


Heartfelt

by One Spring Day (OneAutumnAfternoon)



Series: And with a grain of salt. [4]
Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Canon - Anime, Character Study, Family - Freeform, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Canon Compliant, feels train incoming, ish bc aine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 07:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14051637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneAutumnAfternoon/pseuds/One%20Spring%20Day
Summary: Reiji Kotobuki is a simple man, a man who hides behind laughs and smiles and bothering his band to be a family because he can’t lie to save his life.





	Heartfelt

Reiji Kotobuki is a textbook example of the Playful Idol look, silly grin and exaggerated drama tendencies to match. He likes teamwork (which his band isn’t fond of), social events (which his band would rather not go to), his band (who do not share the sentimentality), driving, and the beach. He’s a few years over his mid-twenties, soon coming to early thirties, and has had a fair share of Happenings that shaped him to be who he is.

For example, Reiji Kotobuki is not an only child. He is the younger brother of a doting sister who took over the Kotobuki bento restaurant; because he was the youngest he was spoiled rotten, and he grew in a family-friendly environment. He likes to be seen as an older brother to the younger generations, yet proceeds to up his game whenever a new rival ~~approaches~~ tries to steal away the limelight of the show.

Reiji was introduced as a child actor at a young age, and eager small child as he was, grew to be a natural in the business. He became a tad complacent with time, since it came easily to smile at the camera without feeling like it meant much. Saotome Academy ought to be the same thing; there was no need to worry.

Except that was not the case.

He made great friends, a cozy, small family of four. Hibiki, who was still testing the waters of music by a painter’s pace; Kei, whose composing abilities ranged far and wide just as his arsenal of insults, and Aine.

If Reiji was the loudmouth, lead talent, and spokesperson by default, Aine was their coach, cheerleader, and rival all in one. He loved music like life itself, and had such a pure enthusiasm to share it with the world that it was impossible not to enjoy working with him. It was the lazy natural talent against the world’s hardest working prodigy… And then his heart skipped a beat again when the audience laughed at his jokes, like an accomplishment he had forgotten. Then the audience became _people_ who cheered for him on stage, who he wanted to give back all the love he had gained.

It isn’t often that he thinks about Aine. Because thinking of Aine makes his heart beat for a thousand different reasons now, none of them feel like they did before.

In Aine, Reiji saw motivation and confidence. How he handled the stage and called to the crowd, it was no wonder he debuted as a solo artist when he lagged behind, epiphany coming months too late of getting held back by work and missed rehearsals. Its okay, he told himself, I’ll catch up next year—

_If only he had been there—_

He didn’t know what happened, couldn’t have known. If something was wrong, Aine didn’t show it _(but he did, he just didn’t want to see it. It was in the slope of his shoulders and the crease of his brow, how his smile became strained when he talked about working even though concerts used to be his passion)_. If something was wrong, Aine never told him (and that’s fine, because as his best friend he should have _noticed_ ). All Aine did with him was laugh and smile and _smile and_ **_smile_ ** _—_

Until he wasn’t there anymore.

It's so very tiring. To worry, to blame himself, to feel the slightest bit of resentment and then fall face first to rivers of guilt. To feel helpless and aching for lost friendships and a missing person. To desperately hope nothing happened, even if it meant he hadn't been contacted in years, that he’s just that good at avoiding them but please please let him be alright let him be safe please let him be…

…

Reiji has had his fair share of experiences that shaped him to be who he is now. He’s learnt to go with the flow lest he’s left behind, so he moves on the best he can (except he doesn’t). He carries both of their dreams on his back, working just as hard to be on top of his game because that’s what Aine taught him, even if his friends no longer understand. Even if instead of being their loudmouth of a leader, he was now their lousy scapegoat. It’s fine, he blames himself too.

Reiji Kotobuki is a hardworking man now, maybe even a bit of a workaholic. His job takes up almost all of his day, unlike recommended, because it gives him less time to think. He likes going to social events with people instead of going alone, because he has no time to mull over every stray thought like part of him wants to.

_(He still doesn’t know if dragging his bandmates along is any better. Breaking them apart, albeit in a more physical manner, reminds him of Them too. It’s not for long though, Quartet Night is such a highly individualistic group that it’s hard to swap faces with reminders of the past. Kei and Hibiki were never this much against each other. Camus and Ranmaru are nothing like Hibiki and Kei._

_Ai is…)_

He likes driving because he has to keep moving on and on and on lest his thoughts catch him like a tidal wave, one he can’t get away from and then he’d be left behind. Reiji likes the beach, because it’s the last place that shines like it used to back then. Loud waves softly crashing against the shore remind him of a time where he had a family and a team, of laughter and summer days and a warm mellow voice. It’s here where he talks as if the sea were a friend, where he washes away his stress and doubts and tears and feelings he doesn’t need. He doesn’t bring anyone to be there with him. No one needs to know.

And maybe this is why his group doesn’t quite trust him either. He can see it, on himself in the mirror. How his smiles don’t reach his eyes after a sleepless night, or sometimes show little more cheer than a natural one. He can only imagine what his bandmates must see. He’s never been the best at hiding his emotions, that’s what the jokes and the long drives home are for.

Kouhai-chan is actually the first one to come close in years.

The first one who Reiji watches the seashore from afar with, and lets in farther than anyone else in a long time. Even if he doesn’t have the courage to do more than skim the situation, to gloss over everything as if it didn’t matter any longer and smile through the nausea he feels for doing so. This is too short, too much of a mess to unravel to his kind, gentle kouhai who got stuck making a song for the mismatch of a group that Quartet Night is. She doesn’t need his baggage, no one else does, even if it means swallowing back a hundred thoughts he’s aching to say, for _anyone_ to listen and…

…

He manages to dodge the whole initiative of Kouhai-chan asking for his ‘true self’. Later he isn’t too proud of it, but he knows at least Camus is with him on this one. It’d be too much to involve her in their mess. Instead, she writes a kind of song he doesn’t recognize, it’s a good song, but there’s no place for his maracas and therefore his usual choreography style is thrown out the window. It’s fine, this is good, because maybe he can focus writing something different than fantasizing about things that he has (he should have) given hope on, focus on the present and their lovely composer who is trying her best for them.

What comes out of it is more of a compromise. He wanted to say how her kind words touched him, how he’s realized since a long time ago that he has to move on, maybe be less distant if he wants to be taken seriously and… Somewhere across the line, his words sounded like a jab. Exposing yourself leaves a bitter taste, especially if you haven’t been sincere although you meant to. Kouhai-chan reminded him he still has a lot of growing to do, but he hasn’t been dealing with it in years. He doesn’t know if it’s a step forward from burying his feelings and looking the other way.

That evening he sings to her.

Halfway across the song her face blurs, and he can’t help but fade into his stage persona to lessen the pull on his heart. The night passes in a flash, he makes a joke he is ill-prepared for and a flimsy excuse to end their day.

 _He’s running away again_ **_._ **

She managed to inspire them all, but he can’t help but wonder if maybe she unearthed more feelings than she meant to. Quartet Night hadn’t ever been more motivated to win a competition, let alone to _sing together_. Stage performances were always their bonding moments, but never were they looking forward to working together until now.

It isn’t group morale what they gain like STARISH, and it’s not teamwork how she pulled them together— at least not entirely. They don’t strengthen bonds with each other those weeks as much as they form new ones, with none other than their dedicated composer however short their time with her was.

He can see that each of them mean what he said, even if it was out of his selfishness alone. Taking Haruka as their composer didn’t seem like a wistful thought then, but rather a desperate necessity. It’s not teamwork, how she pulled them together, but they had to work in synch with each other in order to win that time.

…And they won. The high of their victory is not short-lived enough for any of them to be level-headed by the end of it, and they accept HEAVENS challenge too. They shouldn’t have out of professionalism, and not any of the reasons they did. Why would they let a new competitor have a second chance when they didn’t even show up for the first one? If they didn’t qualify for the Triple S right off the bat, they should’ve had no business with them.

Nevertheless, it’s another set of grueling weeks of more planning, and he (wrongly) thinks that maybe Haruka did give them a sense of how to be a team. Reiji begs them to move in together to keep what they have, hoping it’d be easier and maybe, last time I didn’t work for X or Y but this time. This time—

It backfires on him so fast it's laughable.

It hurts; it hurts and grates on his nerves so much he needs to go away. His heart’s taking a dive again and he feels like the world crumbled, feelings boiling and shaking and crashing everything inside his little heart until finally. Finally the weight of years upon years of _trying_ and bottled up feelings weight in gold.

He’s tired, he’s confused and angry and feeling so, so very insignificant because maybe everyone else was right. Maybe nothing would come out of this, maybe he fucked up the first time and there’s no going back, there’s no being part of a team again much less have a family like he wanted them to be. Maybe there’s a reason why his own band has always been this cold.

He’s frustrated for hoping again and terrified because he might have undone it all, or worse, there wasn’t anything there to begin with.

…

Quartet Night finally decides to act as a group for once _(without his help…? Because of him_ **_leaving_ ** _. Part of him is proud, part of him s bitter and exhausted, part of him reflects and understands because that’s what They did before He wasn’t found and),_ and by some miracle or another, they know where to find him by the end of the day. Where he brought them for the first time, to ask that if they didn’t work out it wouldn’t be a problem for them but _he_ was the selfish one and he wanted them to work because he had nothing to lose.

He was already a dead man walking by the time Quartet Night was formed. His team brought him back a sense of purpose, even if there were too many parallels and too many fights and maybe too little friendship.

They don’t win the triple S this time, but instead they are actually trying. They are trying to be the family he was hoping for from the beginning, and it unknots something in his chest. It has him feeling on cloud nine for days and with the biggest grin he’s had in awhile. He feels like they can take anything from now on, and if this is what their kouhai feel every time they face something together it’s no wonder they’re so fearless.

They might have not won, but they gained something more valuable than whatever this competition could have offered. Quartet Night is finally a team, a lousy family who doesn’t get along most of the time, but... Maybe a family can be a pair of squabbling cousins at every door, a broken man hiding behind smiles and a cynical teenager with a heart so big his young mind can’t follow.

**Author's Note:**

> Reiji is a sad maraca man who deserves happiness.


End file.
